


Biscuits

by yotoob



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, no french feedback please!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:22:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24343453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yotoob/pseuds/yotoob
Summary: Konstantin misses an important evening. Villanelle steps in.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 191





	Biscuits

**Author's Note:**

> just nonsense! Also, apparently it is someone's half birthday?

Irina leans against the wall in the corridor outside school reception, and presses a hand over her face. “Oh my god this is so embarrassing.”

Villanelle pats her on the head twice. “Shush, no it isn’t. Be a good child.”

“I’m like fifteen, I’m not a child, you can’t just-”

Villanelle pats her head again, and this time rubs in order to deliberately mess up her hair. Irina swats her away. “Irina, Daddy isn’t available, so-”

“He just got caught up in something” Irina says, sullenly.

Villanelle shrugs. “Whatever, he isn’t available, your mother is locked in a cupboard, and you can’t do Parents’ Evening alone, so I am here, as your loving big sister, to hear what a little shit you are.”

Irina glares at her.

“Fuck off this isn’t funny, we don’t even look alike.”

Villanelle makes an awkward face. “No, we do not, this must be so sad for you. I’d have never mentioned it myself, but seeing as you brought it up-”

She’s such a asshole. Irina puts her hands on her hips. “Look, you can’t just-”

“Guess what, I can” Villanelle announces in a loud sing song voice, and then puts her hands on her hips, copying Irina’s stance exactly. Irina opens her mouth to complain, but Villanelle opens hers at the exact same time.

They pause.

Irina relaxes, and then gestures at the other woman who has arrived for this evening.

“But why is she here?”

Villanelle immediately drops her stance, and half bows in Eve’s direction. “Irina don’t be rude, this is Eve, an important person with many thoughts about your education.”

“Yes I know, your stalker, but why-”

“I am not her stalker, if anything then she-” Eve begins.

Irina groans loudly. “Please don’t both come-“

“Of course Eve is coming in, you think she is going to sit in the car? In this neighbourhood?”

“What neighbourhood, this neighbourhood is perfectly fine-“

“I meant the neighbourhood of Russia, have you seen us? She wouldn’t survive.”

Eve just shrugs.

“I won’t say anything, you won’t even know I’m here.”

Villanelle snaps her fingers, and gestures further down the corridor, signalling that they should get on with things. “Irina, your father has sent me because he wants to hear about your grades and also remind the teachers of this preppy school that you have terrifying people in your family, let’s go. Be grateful I didn't wear the beard, I have a great beard for when I want to wind your father up.”

Irina shifts her weight from one foot to another. “But who are we going to say Eve is?”

….

Irina’s history teacher is a terrible man. Cruel. Vindictive. Filled with malice.

He smiles widely, but that’s just to disguise the evil.

“Hello Irina, it is nice to see you. And these are…”

“This is my big sister” Irina manages, begrudgingly. Villanelle leans past her, smiling widely and proffers her hand. Mr History shakes it, and then looks enquiringly at Eve.

“And…?”

Irina looks blankly at Villanelle, who in turn looks appraisingly at Eve.

“Ummm… au pair?”

Eve glares at Villanelle in a way that doesn’t look very professional.

Mr History doesn’t seem to see the glare though, because he is leafing through pieces of paper on his desk.

“Okay Irina, let’s start with your grades.”

…..

“He seemed to imply that you are badly behaved in class.”

“Well I’m not. He is just poor at classroom management.”

‘You should pay attention to history, we understand the present through the past.”

Villanelle points at Eve, nodding in agreement. “Mmm, yes that’s good. Your history man should write it on his door. Meanwhile, when do you suppose anyone is going to offer us some biscuits?”

“No, we are not a biscuit school.”

“Well that’s appalling, how can your father leave you here?”

Irina groans.

“Ugggggghhhhh it’s French next, she hates me, okay please do not-”

“BONJOUR” Villanelle says brightly to Madam French, who looks at her over her spectacles, bemused. “Je suis la grande soeur de la petite Irina, et il y a ma tres jollie choufleur, Eve.”

Irina could hit her.

“Why are you speaking such bad french!?”

Villanelle places a hand over her chest, clearly rocked to her core.

“Moi??”

“Why did you call Eve a cauliflower?”

Madam French clears her throat. 

“We have some things to discuss about Irina’s conduct in my lessons.”

….

“Wow, these teachers seems to be suggesting that you are arrogant and ill mannered in their lessons?”

Irina shrugs sullenly, wondering if she’d survive if she leapt through a second storey window.

“Well I am not, but they try to teach me things that I already know, why should I listen?”

Eve snorts. “Maybe you _are_ sisters.”

Villanelle nods, and then says, with complete sincerity, “But do you think that the teachers have a secret biscuit stash somewhere?”

“I don’t know, do I? What do I care? Come on, it’s Math next.”

“Oh math is important” Eve says, standing up a little straighter. “This time say I’m your boss.”

Villanelle nods instantly.

“That’s hot. As my superior, ask about biscuits.”

…..

“Can you believe they have no biscuits?”

“Irina” Eve says solemnly “You must pay more attention in class, it doesn’t matter whether you already know the subject, the extension work will stretch you, and the manner with which you approach others who are struggling is important for your future references.”

“Okay mom” Irina says sullenly. Villanelle smacks her on the arm. 

“Do not talk to your mother like that. No one will give you any biscuits.”

Eve smacks Villanelle on the arm. “Will you take this more seriously? Her future is at stake and you keep talking about biscuits.”

…..

Chemistry is next.

Villanelle folds her arms, looking appalled.

“She did what?”

“We’re not entirely sure how we achieved it, but the burn mark on the ceiling was three foot in diameter.”

Irina rests her head on the desk.

“It was an experiment, I was just expanding my learning horizons, you are always saying that independent learning is-”

“Irina be quiet” Eve snaps. Villanelle follows up with “Listen to your mother.”

Irina groans.

Miss Chemistry continues.

“Irina, no one is doubting your talents, you are an incredibly capable young lady, but the way you are conducting yourself around school… I just feel you are missing out on huge opportunities to really immerse yourself in the community, to give something back to younger years… you would have made a wonderful role model but-”

Eve sighs. Villanelle places a hand over hers, and speaks regretfully to Miss Chemistry.

“We’ll speak to her at home.”

Irina loses her patience.

“You realise that in the current scenario you are my sister and Eve is my mom, you can’t be holding hands, it is weird.”

“Be quiet or you will be grounded until you are forty three.”

“You are both assholes.”

“Irina!” says Miss Chemistry, shocked.

Irina stands up. 

“Come on. I know which teacher will have biscuits.”

……

Mrs Religious Studies beams at Irina. Irina beams back shyly.

“Hello Miss.”

“Well now, here’s trouble. Who are these people Irina? These are not your usual people?”

“This is Villanelle, she’s an international assassin. And this is Eve. They’re dating I think, I’m not sure. It’s complicated. Please tell them I’m good in your class, or I’m grounded until I’m forty three.”

Mrs Religious Studies roars with laughter.

“Oh Irina’s fab. A true monster. I’ve only had to threaten to bludgeon her to death with a stapler a couple of times. You are dreadful Irina. A horror. Please never darken my door again. But unfortunately, she is very good in class, so I can’t actually fling her out of the window. Would you all like a biscuit? International assassin, that sounds fun, tell me about that, I’m bored sick of talking about grades.”

….

**Author's Note:**

> SPONSORED BY BISCUITS i'm hungry. 
> 
> also sponsored by that one pic where Sandra and Jodie look like they're at a parents evening
> 
> @yotoob on twitter


End file.
